Successful breastfeeding takes a lot more than breasts, people. Partners play an essential role.
Only one of you has the mammaries up and running, but how to feed is a co-parenting decision and learning to breastfeed takes a team. Just because you won’t be making the milk doesn’t mean you won’t have a critical part in keeping this critter alive and thriving.
Breastfeeding companion
A large part of the fatigue of early breastfeeding is the endless onslaught of decisions that need to be made at every juncture.
Is this latch right? Does this nipple look misshapen? Is that a sign of damage? Did the baby nurse long enough? Did she move milk? Was it enough? Does this diaper count? Is this mature milk? Do we need to supplement? How do I get milk out of my breasts? How much do we offer? When do we offer it? When should I collect it? How many times did the baby eat today? Which day of life are we in? How many diapers does the baby need today? How can I find time to take a shower? To sleep? To eat?
I’m tired just typing it. You’re probably overwhelmed just reading it. Now imagine your wife or girlfriend being alone with that, day in and day out. You can see how a person might get anxious or overwhelmed and feel inadequate, right?
So don’t let her be alone with it. Go to the classes, look at the resources, learn all the things, and make the decisions with her. You don’t have to have the answer. But by sharing decision-making, the outcomes belong to you both. You relieve her of holding all the responsibility.
Bonding with baby
It’s not uncommon for dads to feel less secure than their baby-making, birth-giving partners about hands-on care with the newborn. In the context of breastfeeding especially, both parents may assume the milk-less partner will have limited access to the baby. Let’s break this down.
Babies spend about 30 minutes, more or less, at a nursing session. If there are 10 a day, that’s 300 minutes, or five hours. Even if we add time for latching fumbles before and snuggling after, we’re looking at a max of maybe eight hours a day. As nursing becomes more efficient, that number will shrink. This leaves non-nursing partners 16 hours a day of potential contact time with the baby. And that’s in an exclusive nursing scenario with no bottles, which is not the norm, or obligatory.
Babies need a lot more than just milk. They also need warmth and love, which both partners have in equal abundance. Babies need to be soothed, and held, and bathed, and cuddled, and walked, and sung to, and cooed at, and told stories to, and adored, and touched. Skin to skin and infant massage open a whole avenue of nurturing and care that dads can take ownership of.
Literally anything the baby needs besides sucking on a boob, a father or non-nursing partner can do. You’re not just stuck with diapers, dads. And every part of care that you become competent in is something you take off your companion’s plate. Learning to breastfeed will require all her time and attention. Taking on your share of infant care allows her to do this to the best of her ability.
Care of the primary caregiver
Newborn nursing is exhausting in the best of circumstances, absent complications or challenges. Almost everyone will have some sort of complication; some will have a lot of them. In every situation, the breastfeeding parent will need a lot of care.
With eight or more feedings a day, occurring anywhere from one to four hours apart, and with early feeds requiring hyperfocus and constant assessment, moms forget to care for themselves. Their instincts are to pour everything into baby and catch up on themselves later. Your job is to take her care off of her shoulders.
REST: This means knowing how many hours of uninterrupted sleep she gets overnight, as well as how many hours total. Not how long between feeds–how long did she actually sleep. If it was less than what she would have needed in her previous life before pregnancy, send her back to bed. Notice how she looks. If she’s falling apart, make more naps.
Manage visitors, and be the bouncer if it’s not a good time or someone has overstayed their welcome.
FOOD: Keep stock of the provisions, and call family to restock them when they’re low so you don’t need to leave her. Make sure she’s eating, and getting lots of protein and iron.
BREASTS: If she’s having pain in her breasts or nipples, reach out to your lactation consultant for resources. Get hands on and familiar with what each full or empty breast feels like. Keep an eye on them and ask questions about what’s normal and what’s not.
LOGISTICS: Handle appointments, scheduling, phone calls to insurance, ordering packages. Keep track of feeding times, diaper counts, milk volumes, pump settings.
EMOTIONAL SUPPORT: Moms are really good at beating themselves up, and brand-new moms come out swinging. Help her keep perspective, reminding her of providers’ guidance and of the things you’ve already accomplished together. Did the baby have a good gain at your last visit? Was the lactation consultant impressed with how much milk she had? Or how attuned she is to your baby? Don’t let her forget it.
Have a trusted friend call to check in on her.
Learn how to soothe the baby so she can relax when she’s in the shower, or taking a nap, or trying to focus on anything other than the baby.
TAKE CARE OF YOU: Being a new parent is hard and it doesn’t always feel good. If you need more help or support, get it. Postpartum Support International is an excellent place to start.
As you can see, you are very, very important and there is plenty for you to do! When dads dive into this space, not only does breastfeeding last longer, but the whole family is stronger. Your presence is invaluable and irreplaceable.